When Moody Met Broody

So there's this guy that I've known for a while, The Composer, he's a colleague of mine in the same industry. He's extremely intense, complex and a thinker with killer looks. Anyway, there's always been an attraction there, whenever we would bump into one another we were always happy to see each other and would pick up right where we left off the last time we saw each other. I was always able to add levity to our conversation and make him laugh. He had a long term live in girlfriend at the time, and of course I was with The Complicator in my separate no so much together relationship.

A few months ago, The Composer and I ran into one another at an industry event and we had a great unexpected evening in the warm company of one another on a cold winter's night (in a public setting of course). He told me that he and his girlfriend were no longer together, and was extremely broken up about it. I could see the hurt and pain in his eyes and tried to be all light hearted and crack silly jokes to make him smile. I at the time, was on very shaky ground with The Complicator and was having a difficult time concealing it on my face. I remember having a lovely evening with him and forgot about my own troubles.

Fast forward a few months later, and we ran into each other again at another event recently and this time things were very different. We went from friendly colleagues to outright overjoyed to see each other with some playful flirtation going on. This time, I informed The Composer, that The Complicator and I had parted ways. (Yes for real...another blog for another time). We laughed and joked around and talked about our favourite TV shows and cooking, and then it become apparent that most people around us had left and we were still there talking. He was completely focused on me and I loved it. This time around, I wasted no time in making a move and told him I would email my cell number and requested that he send me a text so that I would have also his number.

The next day, I sent him a brief email with my phone number and he texted me back, hurray! We were off to a great start. I suggested drinks on the Friday evening and he accepted. Friday evening couldn't come fast enough for me, I was utterly giddy from excitement. I couldn't stop thinking of how attracted I was to him when I ran into him recently. I wanted to look absolutely sublime without looking like I was trying too hard. The good thing about The Composer and I working in the same industry is that's he's always seen me look especially good at these events. (There's a lot of thought put into my look and outfits). So for our first date, I wore a green summery wrap dress that hadn't fit properly in years, and just happened to fit when I tried it on, with all the curves in the right places. I felt beautiful and sexy in it, I had a great hair day which made things so much better, my skin was glowing and I wore light shimmery gold/brown make up with gold jewellery and my favourite tan wedge espadrilles. It was a gorgeous summer evening with the warm glow of the sun shining on us. I could tell by his twinkling blue eyes that he appreciated the dress too! We went to a nearby cafe patio and ordered drinks and got started on getting to know each other better.

The Composer is involved in music (hence the name), specifically classical music, which is impressive and intimidating at the same time. I consider myself a bit of a music snob with an excellent selection of diverse “non-commercial” music on my iPod and an impressive CD collection ranging from traditional jazz, John Coltrane, Miles Davis to modern Jazz, Bugge Wesseletoft, Erik Truffaz with a sprinkle of Submotion Orchestra, Jazzanova, Dzihan & Kamien, Bebel Gilberto, Federico Aubele and of course my absolute love for soulful house music, just to name a few. So I have to say, I was a bit stumped when he told me this as the only classical music that I have are 2 CD's, Mozart (not sure which one) and Johann Strauss (again not sure which one), that were given to me by this guy visiting from Austria eons ago. (I really should have kept in touch with that guy). Nevertheless, I was able to quickly come up with something intelligent to say without giving away the fact that really I have no clue about any of it. In the past, I would listen to classical music for a short time, and then can go for long periods without listening to it again....until now.

The Composer told me that he has written hundreds of compositions, and has been playing the piano since he was 9 years old, wow! He also plays in a few bands and plays the bass too! Stop...I'm swooning just writing about all of this. Looking at him, you would never guess he was a composer, as he's ruggedly handsome, tall with a strong fit build. Blonde hair and blue eyes, mid thirties! Gorgeous! I had no idea that he was so talented until our first date, and now I see him in a whole new light. He's smart, layered, has a good sense of humour as I made him laugh (he has a great laugh and his eyes really do sparkle). What was most surprising to me was how I was seeing this guy I had known all along in a whole new light and hopefully he was seeing me the same way. It was new but surprisingly comfortable.

We spent the evening talking and laughing over food and drinks. I had told The Composer that I had plans later, (you know just to keep him on his toes), and throughout the evening he kept asking me if I had to leave and I said, “There's still lots of time”. We went for a nice walk together and then stood under the vintage streetlight that was adorned with a basket of hanging pink flowers, and the street looked practically magical. Couples were walking by us on this beautiful summer's night, hand in hand, everyone was in a good mood. I remember him looking at me with this intensity and adoration at the same time and I loved it. I wasn't sure if there was going to be a goodnight kiss and was extremely nervous and excited. I decided to give him a hug and he pulled me in close gently, and held me tightly for about 5 minutes. It was pure bliss, I didn't want to leave, but I did tell him I had plans after all and had to follow through. We bid each other goodnight (sans kiss) and I left.

When I arrived home, dewy eyed from the recent wonderful unexpected turn of events, I decided to listen to his music which he mentioned was available online. Wow....I was in heaven, so beautiful, passionate and moving. Had I become completely smitten in a matter of two days? My phone beeped, it was a text from The Composer, “I wanted to invite you over, but didn't want to be too forward”. I replied, “Perhaps another time” to which he replied, “Another time”. I was jumping for joy on the inside, it seemed that I had also made an impact! I was on an upswing indeed and it felt glorious to feel hope and happiness in this present moment.

Moody(ish) Girl Out.

Moody Girl's Guide: What Not To Do to Sustain a Below Average Relationship

Step 1 – Be ready when he's ready, or he’s leaving without you. Nothing shows how   important you are than hurrying you up regardless of your busy schedule, it’s his valuable time over yours.

Step 2 – Don't dress to impress – less is less. Before your Friday date night, he says, “Be casual, a pony tail with no make up and workout clothes will do”.

Step 3 – Don't ask where your relationship is going, even if a double digit anniversary is coming up. There’s never a right time to bring this up, and so what, if at this point the years are blending together. 

Step 4 – Don't suggest he get a car wash even though a bird did its business right as you  were getting into the car with your fancy dress, and your side of the windshield is covered in bird poop! 

Step 5 – Do not order alcohol, unless you're prepared to pay for it yourself. Translation: Tap water has zero calories and is zero dollars. 

Step 6 – Stay cool and don't get upset when he is talking to an attractive gallery attendant  for 30 minutes, oblivious to your eye rolling or coughing hints as you start to walk   backwards towards the door. Also applies to: Waitress, bartender, coat check girl, bouncer, janitorial staff, and any random person who crosses your path during date day/night).

Step 7– Get over the lack of attention when he's on his cell phone and doesn't greet you properly, even when you signal to your watch when it's past 20 minutes, and dinner is now cold. 

Step 8 – Don't seem bored when he feels the need to bombard you with tragic world events and depressing local news en route to dinner during date night. Translation: Talk about anything and everything but you.

Step 9 – Do not assume that being a long term girlfriend means that you can ask for a short term loan ($20 for a quick run to the grocery store or $200 for a new tire). Tough love tip: "Get 2 jobs, 3 if you have to". 

Step 10 – He passionately says, "Don't spend a dime on my birthday gift, save your money, you have bills to pay". Then sulks when he's presented an original poem written by you, and a home made gift certificate for endless hugs and kisses. Fast forward to your birthday when you receive a card, with more  words of  wisdom "Bike, run, walk, live life, work hard, be happy you're alive."

More fun tips to come....enough said!

Moody Girl Out.

Mundane to Fried Day - (Diary of a Moody Week)

Monday

Day: Crazy busy start to the work week, make sure my boss' train is on schedule from point A to point B. Coordinate a pick up time at the train station. Major deadline looming at the end of the week, haven't even started due to all the incoming emails that I have to take care of. Need to concentrate but can't due to the endless chitter chatter in the office. Block it out, back to work on the deadline...wait more emails coming through. Stop what you're doing run and pick up boss from the train station. Get back to the office, drop what you're doing. “Yes boss?” “You have technical issues with the computer, of course, it's Monday!” “Hello IT Department, please help this is urgent, there's no time for your 24 hour turnaround time”. Two hours later, a million other stupid little things pop up during the day, taking me away from my deadline. Great, it's 5 pm and the work day is over with no headway on my deadline. Pack it up.

Evening: Splitting headache, tired and hungry don't know what to eat, don't feel like cooking. Eating stale crackers and cheese while drinking flat ginger ale. No time for grocery shopping. One piece of fruit left hurray...wait it's rotten on the inside – crap. So much for that! Ring, ring, “Hello Mummy, how are you?” “I'm sorry I didn't have a chance to stop by to see you and dad after work”. “I've had the longest day and I'm so tired”. “Can I talk you to you in a little while?” “Oh Uncle is coming to visit you later, okay that's nice”. “Sure, I'll add all the items to the list and will pick it up as soon as I can”. “You have another doctor's appointment coming up, plus dad's specialist appointment, okay can you remind me closer to the date, what?” “No...you'll forget?” “Okay, hang on, let me grab a piece of paper to jot down the dates”. “Your other line is ringing, don't answer....it! Hello? Mummy?” Damn it!!!! Watch TV, make a cup of tea, go to bed early. Wake up at 1 am with the TV blaring, peel myself off the couch and crawl into bed.

Tuesday

Day: So tired, didn't sleep well. How am I going to get through the day? Damn traffic, rain, construction. Wow got to work 9 am on the dot, surprised I wasn't pulled over for driving like a maniac! Deadline is on Friday, need to get my draft finished and have it approved by 5 people. Drink coffee, wake up brain. Check emails, sort...not important, flag for later. Work on deadline. “Yes, boss?” “Your cell phone is not synching your calendar, okay will get IT on the phone.” “Hello, IT Department, yes it's me again, yes I know you're swamped with a major crisis on hand, with a possible breach of security, I totally understand, however my boss' iPhone calendar doesn't seem to be synching up with his office calendar, and as you can tell it is extremely problematic - as I'm seeing available spots in his calendar when that's not the case indeed”. “Bring the phone over now?” “Okay thank you very much”. Stop what I'm doing. Go see IT across the street. Get back, fire alarm, evacuate the building. Wait outside for 2 hours. Go inside, what's it's 3 pm? Haven't even had my lunch. Where's my lunch, crap I left it at home. 5 pm work day over, I'll stay late to work on my deadline. Blah blah blah Marketing department is having an after hours pow wow. Damn open concept, I hate it! Pack it up time to go home.

Evening: Ring, ring, “Hi Complicator, how are you?” “Are you calling me while driving on the highway?” “I've asked you not to do that”. “Someone just cut you off, what a surprise!” “Do you want to call me once you're home?” “Oh, you're on your way to meet Dieter” (new best friend). “Oh thanks for the movie offer while you're half way there, but Mad Max isn't on my top ten list and it's Tuesday night, I'm not a big fan of half price Tuesday as everyone and their dog is at the movies!” “My day? Oh, well it was a long day and I'm so tired”. “Hello? Hello?” Phone disconnected great! Okay, put bag down, change clothes, do a workout but I'm so tired. Ring, ring, “Hi, what happened?” “Your battery is about to die, where's the car charger I got you?” “Well it can't help you if it's at home”. “Hello? Hello?” Damn it!! Put groceries away after several trips to the car. Too tired to cook, I'll just eat snacks. Have a cup of tea with chocolate and watch one hour of TV then go to bed early. Wake up at 2 am on the couch, turn TV off and do a zombie walk to the bed.

Wednesday

Day: Waaa waaa waaa alarm clock rings. Is it 6:30 am already? Sooo tired, what am I going to wear today? Damn shoes everywhere, I have to organize my closet this weekend. Need tea, put the kettle on, what's that smell? Drats, forgot to add water. Not off to a great start. Crap just realized I have a 9:30 am meeting and need to get to work early. How is it 7:45 am already? Shit! Damn traffic, school buses and crossing guards, come on speed it up people, cross the road. Bumper to bumper on the highway, get to work at 9:05 am walk into office all sweaty, get a raised eyebrow and a look of judgement from co-worker. Need to make photocopies for the meeting, 8 sets of 30 pages. Beep, beep, beep – paper jam, bloody hell! Okay, figure it out...follow the red lights on the diagram. Good back to business. Idiot co-worker approaches, “What you need me to pause, so you can print an email now?” “Sure, sure, hurry up then”. 9:20 am, shit, make sure everything is ready for the meeting. Email from boss...what? Reschedule the meeting for next week! Are you frigging kidding me? (Inner voice/scream ARRRGH!). Need coffee, take a deep breath...everything is going to be okay. Time to redirect, deadline need to work on the deadline, get into the zone, listen to music and put ear buds on and block out the noise. “Yes boss?” “You can't open your master spreadsheet, let me take a crack at it”. “Stop everything!!!” “Hello IT Department, how's everyone today?” “Did I thank you for the other day?” “Oh, good you received my hand delivered card and chocolates”. “Is there anyway you can log in remotely and take a look?” “I see, the wait time today is 4-6 hours?” “Yes, I understand that you're not here to accommodate just our office, did I mention the chocolates are Belgian?” Crap, just realized those important emails that I flagged are due today! Okay multi-task that's why you got this job, calm under pressure, remember what you told them. Stop...incoming nerd alert...“Can I help you?” Moron co-worker says, “We're out of vanilla cream coffee”. My response, “Well thank you for bringing it to my attention”. “The coffee order is bi-weekly and I will add it to the next round, do you think you'll be able to survive without it for a week?” That's right, back away sheepishly like the little weasel that you are. I don't have time for this right now! Back to my deadline, start typing....urgent meeting request. Okay, got it reschedule multiple calendars, appointment sent. 4 pm? What? How did this happen? Okay, eat a snack, must work late to meet deadline. Why isn't Marketing leaving? Another bloody after hours meeting? (Code for ordering food in and total gab fest on company Visa). Just great, can't concentrate here. Time to pack it up.

Evening: Must go home and wash hair and blow dry/straighten and touch up nails, pick a nice outfit for tomorrow, make my lunch. Go to bed early, get to work early and make it happen tomorrow.

Ring, ring, “Hello mummy, what time am I coming over?” “Did I say it was today?” “Oh, mum you won't believe the day I had”. “Dad made an extra special dinner and he's expecting me?” “Okay, I'm on my way, please give me about 40 minutes to get there with traffic and everything and no calls after 15 minutes, asking where I am okay?” “Hello mum? Hello?” Phone disconnected. Breathe deeply....See mum and dad, have dinner. News update with dad...”I agree, so many bad things happening in the world, yes I am very lucky to live here and shouldn't complain about anything”. Update with mum about Bobby (brother) having health problems. “Okay mum I will check in on him”. “Yes I totally understand that he has a stressful part time job working 20 hours a week”. “Okay mum, I will try and be more compassionate”. “Love you bye see you soon”. “Mum don't call me in an hour to give me a random update okay, as I have to wash my hair”. 8 pm finally arrive home exhausted! Sit on the couch for half an hour tops, then wash my hair etc. Wake up at 3 am to a loud weight loss infomercial, shit! 16 hour eye make up is still on all smeared and won't come off, I look like a disoriented raccoon and crawl into bed and set the alarm. I will have to wash my hair in the morning.

Thursday

Day: Sunlight streaming into the bedroom, birds chirping merrily outside my window. Ahh finally Saturday! Wait, it's Thursday, crap! Alarm didn't go off, it's 7:57 am, double crap!!! No time to wash hair. Spray dry shampoo, yuck the fumes, it didn't do anything. Off to work with a greasy ponytail and a major headache. Did I already wear this black skirt and jacket this week? I don't remember, crap it's wrinkled. No time to steam :( Major accident on the highway, traffic at a standstill, can't even exit to take an alternate route. Stay calm, focus on your breathing. Park, walk, run up the stairs. Time check. 9:10 am oh well, not bad! I look like a bit dishevelled, but act confident while wearing a brown top instead of dark grey with my repeat black wrinkled suit (silent scream/arrrgh) – stay calm and try and get through the week. Everyone buzz off, I've got my deadline to work on and that's all that matters today. I can make this happen. I thrive under pressure or is it I crack under pressure? Visions of me running down the corridor screaming and yelling float through my head. No snap out of it, focus...deadline. “Yes, boss, you need a ride to your off site meeting for 11 am”. “No, you didn't mention this to me before, you're initial ride cancelled. Got it!!” (Inner voice...“Get your own bloody car, when the hell did I become chauffeur?”) Two hours later (as I was asked to wait in the car), back at the office, eat something quickly, tuna salad again, I'm going to be nauseous but brain food will be good for meeting my deadline. I can make this happen. Block everything out and get it done already. “Yes boss, your printer toner is finished?” (Inside voice...“Get the frigg off your lazy ass and walk down to the storage room, and get your own damn toner and shove it in your printer”). Sure, give me a minute....deep breath....need to play the lottery this Friday, can't keep doing this. What 5 pm already? Deadline is not even close to being done..shoot me!

Evening: Turn on the office computer at home, must push myself to get it done without interruptions. I'll feel better then I'll have time to tweak it Friday morning and send for approval. Making progress...good adrenalin has kicked in, stay away cortisol don't need any more belly fat. Wait...what's that dreadful sound? Someone's hammering over my head, they're not supposed to be doing renos after hours. Shit! Or is it the pyscho upstairs who has a few loose screws? Okay, grab temperamental laptop and work in the kitchen, Power up, will focus, turn on music...get it done. 8 pm all done! Phew! Now wash hair and feel powerful for tomorrow so I can get through the day with confidence! Finally done, hair is sleek. I'll take a quick break to drink tea, unwind and fast forward through one recorded show, then go to sleep on time.

Friday

Day: Wake up at 4 am on the couch, my back...how did this happen? Is it worth crawling into bed for 2 hours? Start the day, stretch, eye drops for the redness, take an Advil, have breakfast, steam clothes, hair is curly, straighten hair again, then leave early. It's almost the weekend! 8:45 am arrive at work early, time to fluff my hair and reapply lipstick and I'm ready to go. Wired and so tired, I walk in confidently, judgemental co-worker has the day off, of course she does! I start my edits, damn...incoming emails... scan fast, not urgent, flag for Monday. Back to edits...on a roll, get it done, you can do this. “Yes boss, your laptop has crashed and is not turning on at all?” “Hello IT Department, SOS this is an emergency, you need to send someone over STAT”....“Sure, I can walk over with the laptop in 2 business days for you to take a look at it”. “Of course I understand that you're dealing with a network emergency with possible international hackers corrupting the system”. A few minutes later, “FUCK!!!” After I tell the good news to the boss. Okay, it's not directed at you and don't take it personally, remember he hand picked you himself. Change in schedule, “What?” “You want to go to the train station earlier, sure (reluctantly) I can take you”. Drop everything and drive to the train station. Back to the office, now edits, go go go! All done, send via email to 5 people for approval. Note to the approvers, “You have 2 hours to get back to me, yes I said 2 hours! And if I don't hear back from you, I'm going to make a judgement call and publish it”. Incoming text from The Complicator: Plans later? Long walk? Bike ride? Run? My reply: Busy, day, will let you know later. Inner voice: “Are you on drugs???”

Evening: I'm going to make myself a nice dinner, watch a straight to video release on Netflix and take some time for myself to relax. Ring, ring, “Hello mummy, no I'm not visiting tonight I didn't say today, no you're wrong”. “Maybe on the weekend, let me see how I feel”. “Oh, you're not feeling well, I'm sorry to hear that I will check in on you I promise”. “Oh, it's also dad that's not feeling well and he's asking about me thinking I was coming over today?” “Okay, nice try mum but I'll see you on the weekend”. “Talk soon”. “Love you bye”. Ring, ring, “Hello Complicator, yes I did receive your text, but it's been one of those weeks, and so crazy busy, I'm sorry but I just don't have the energy tonight”. “Yes, I understand that being active is important and I can't just sit on the couch”. “I'm glad you had a good 2 hour workout at the gym”. “Another time alright?” “Thank you for being underst...Hello?” Phone disconnected, it's time to put the phone on silent. My time to relax...ahhh good tea, it's Friday night will cue up movie shortly. Just need to sit still for a bit, then will take a bath, meditate and go to bed early and get plenty of rest.

5 am wake up on the couch to a motivational infomercial...but of course!

Moody Girl Out.

The Spineless Man with Character

There once was a man everyone called Jack

All he could spew during times of crisis was yickety yack

He pretended to be a man of virtue

While he didn't really have a clue.

He educated himself to appear to be a better man

His new colleagues cheered him on and said “Yes you can”.

He walked amongst pedestrians with his head held up high

Yet he was clueless to his dearest friend's woeful cries.

“I am a person of honour and integrity” he decreed

Apparently he loved his wife but longed to be freed

When convenient he was drawn to the beautiful elusive flame

But was unable to conquer, control and ultimately tame.

Face the truth, I am everywhere she said

For you my sweet, I'm glad we never wed.

Live your life with shallow honour and dread

Sleep with the bitter corpse in your diseased bed.

The man called Jack only protected himself during an attack

He continued to pretend, fool and say yickety yack.

She said, live your life in shades of black

Walk through a polluted cloud of dreams with the character you lack.

I release you to the powerful sky, and wait patiently 

for justice and payback.

The Bitch in Black...Intro. to Botox Face

A couple of years ago, I landed this gig job working for the self proclaimed number one PR firm in the City called WLPR. I landed the coveted job of Assistant to Wanda Laufman. What appeared to be a high profile job of Assistant to the President, was really code for "I Own Your Ass 24/7". It was a 3 month stint that felt like an eternity in the land of this self absorbed woman who made Anna Wintour aka Meryl Streep's character in The Devil Wears Prada, look like a walk in the park next to this she devil.

Okay some fun facts about Wanda Laufman, who is a "self made" entrepreneur, who "didn't" marry a successful lawyer when she started her business from the "ground up" and made it on her "own". She's only in her mid forties (but looks much older), and desperately trying to hold onto her youth via way too much Botox, resulting in the bloated apple doll effect. For this reason, I choose to refer to her as Botox Face.

Botox Face takes a great deal of pride in her appearance, some would even say perhaps a tad vain. Her office consists of framed photos of herself. You see BF does a lot of shameless self promotion under the guise of "inspiring" and "empowering" women at speaking engagements, while being a domineering, exploitative diva in her insulated underworld she calls a company. In public and on TV, she spews insincerity from her pores and says thing like, "I believe in work/life integration". Translation, you are on my beckon call even if you just put in a 12 hour day, without lunch, possibly without dinner and commuted 2 hours to get to work and back, are dead on your feet, but you have a working phone, which she refuses to pay for because it's your personal phone that you only use for her calls, emails and texts and you have to pay for it anyway! So just because she rakes in $250K a year, why should she pay $40 for your phone and how dare you even ask!

Appearances are extremely important for BF, who lives on adrenalin, insecurity and a tall non-fat iced caramel macchiato. BF gets her hair styled every couple of days at a high end salon located two doors down. Her hairstyle of choice is rat's nest on top followed by stringy strands of overly bleached blonde hair at the bottom (because you know she started the Ombre look), complete with Carrie Bradshaw curls from 2003! No-one at the salon dared to tell BF that her hair was fried and that she needed to stop immediately!!! BF insisted that internal meetings with her selected minions employees be held at the salon, while she was getting her hair done, because if you weren't already high on life from being in the orbit of BF, well you may as well get high on the fumes of the chemicals seeping into her shrinking brain.

BF wears expensive designer clothes but only in black. A few magazines would photograph her collection of clothes in black, black and more black with headings like, "A Look at Wanda's Coveted Closet" or "Don't Be Jealous of My Closet".  The only colours allowed in her bleak world, belong on her feet, in her 6" stilettos, which she can barely walk in without looking like she's going to topple over on her face and let the air out!

BF's handbag of choice is a black Birkin bag, the ultimate status symbol, but she doesn't like to carry it herself. She would call me from her BlackBerry from the parking lot, located literally across the street, and order me to carry her Birkin bag, and at the time her brand new puppy LoKiEE*. I would run outside, cross the busy intersection (no traffic light) with cars whizzing by to get her Birkin and the pup, and proceed to walk a few steps behind her majesty as she entered the premises, while legions of gratefully employed 20 somethings lowered their gaze as she walked by them.

All hail to Queen Botox Face and heir to the throne Prince LoKiEE*!

Moody Girl Out.

Beating Heart, Fresh Start

Greetings & Salutations! It has been almost 3 years since I posted anything, and for that my sincerest apologies. It has been a tumultuous couple of years that have thrown me in many directions with a lot of unexpected changes...some good, some bad, a little tragic at times, but I'm still here. Bursts of unexpected laughter got me through a lot, and gave me a lifeline to hold onto while being in survival mode, rendering everything else to the back burner. 

There are no guarantees in life, your world can be ripped apart at a moment's notice. Sometimes one traumatic incident isn't what is thrown at you, but multiple things all at once from a merciless universe. Anyway, you know what 'they' say, "If it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger". During hard times and a cruel sky, hope and faith for a brighter tomorrow prevailed and it still does. I'm back to share my thoughts once again, with a sometimes non linear timeline, and a dose of my moody sense of humour here and there...

The heart is a complex and wonderful little organ which keeps us alive by pumping blood in our veins. It allows us to breathe freely, which in turn keeps us healthy and alive. Any blockages in one or more artery can suddenly alter everything. Life as you know it is changed forever.

Heart surgeons are life savers. Through modern science and technological advancements, they are able to take arteries from other parts of the body and transplant them elsewhere, in order to bypass the blockages and allow the blood to flow freely once again. A second chance is given to begin to heal physically and emotionally with hopes to resume life one day at a time, and being thankful for every breath that is taken.

The interesting thing is...having open heart surgery doesn't mean that your heart will finally be open, where the blockages prevented not only the blood from flowing but perhaps the love from flowing. The irony is that one can have open heart surgery, have their chest ripped apart, put back together again and the heart can remain closed.

The person you stood by during the most difficult time in their life, holding their hand, hoping and praying for their survival and recovery, providing love and hope in their time of need, can shut you out of their life with no warning. Pre-surgery The Complicator and I got so very complicated. Post surgery, it appears that my relationship is becoming well... un-complicated.

I guess the heart wants what it wants, when it wants...

Moody Girl Out.

Razzamatzz! Jazzamatazz!

When you're feeling down and out and feel stuck in a rut, nothing picks you up like going to a good live show (it works for me). Of course this only works if all the planets are aligned, a clear weather forecast in effect (for fear of wrecking the hair). When you don't feel like getting dressed up for a night out, you can trick the brain by looking good which can transpire into feeling good. In other words pick your favourite outfit that never lets you down no matter how you are feeling, even after a heavy meal the night before. In this case, I opted for a basic black outfit ensemble (simple top & flirty skirt) with my tall Kenneth Cole wedge boots. My hair was straight and sleek, I had subtle make up accompanied with red lipstick for a dash of colour and minimal silver jewellery.

Of course a night like this can't be complete without having your favourite music aficionados accompanying you (in this case it was my sister Thalia and The Complicator). Sometimes, it's just nice to have a small group with you to enjoy the music without the hassle of "When's the main act coming on? What kind of music is it?" You catch my drift... This kind of show is for the serious lovers of of  jazz, neo-soul and a touch of hip hop blended with live musicians for a magical evening of music for the soul. There is no time to explain this to friends who love Top 40 (I won't mention any names in particular - Karina).

A few weeks ago I had the distinct pleasure of seeing the mega talented Jose James perform at The Great Hall in Toronto. This was my third time seeing him perform live and he didn't disappoint. But first let me set the scene. It was a damp, yet unusually mild Friday night in March (so much for the weather forecast, my sleek and straight hair turned into wavy hair. I embraced the wave at least it was frizz free). Thalia and I decided to go together and meet The Complicator at the venue. Thalia looked like a dangerously, beautiful vixen and had her no fail outfit on (we both chose black). We were both in a really good mood and there was no pressure to get to the venue, as we were arriving separately from The Complicator.

When we arrived at The Great Hall, the mood was set by other enthusiastic music lovers, an array of low key, cool, sophisticated hipsters (and a few oldsters, I say that with love). Now there's nothing that great about The Great Hall aesthetically other than the name, (to be honest, it needs a little love). I get that's it a Toronto staple, but it needs a bit of a face lift if you know what I mean. Anyway, Thalia and I walked in and all eyes were locked on us. (A good feeling, just what the doctor ordered). We both knew this was going to be a wonderful night, you could just feel it in the air. The Complicator joined us later in the evening and we were grooving to the hypnotic tunes of the DJ before the show and having a great time. The energy was magnetic, everyone was there to have a good time. No out of place drunk losers there to make a scene (thank goodness), just a peaceful, fun loving group of people.

Not only did we have the benefit of enjoying the mesmerizing sounds of Toronto's gems, DJ Paul E. Lopes and DJ John Kong throughout the the night along with Jose James of course. But the opening act Rinse the Algorithm turned out to be a delightful surprise. This experimental jazz quartet were a real treat to watch as they were superbly talented. They should be headlining their own show, they were that good. It's been a while since an opening act had caught my attention like that. Imagine my reaction when I found out they weren't from NYC (they had that cool Brooklyn look) but actually from Toronto, okay I was wrong. (For the record there are talented musicians in Toronto also).

The night was off to an amazing start, and then when Jose James came on, the night transcended into outer orbit territory with his new band and new style for this particular CD. The musicians almost upstaged Jose James at one point, the drummer was so passionate that he practically stole the show. I felt my mood lift and was transported into another world. Everything that had weighed me down during the week had disappeared. I looked over at The Complicator and he was grooving in his usual way. I looked over at Thalia and she was having a good time. A perfect night indeed, the kind that is so few and far between like a blue moon. But when it comes around you have to enjoy the moment and bask in its light as it will quickly pass.

Moody Girl Out.

Networking is Not Working

Trying to switch careers and enter a new field was an incredibly ambitious idea on my part, especially with record high unemployment. Searching for a new job is a painstakingly difficult task and a full time job in itself. My good friend Lily keeps reminding me of the job market statistics, and how 90% of the job market is hidden. Well, where the hell is it hidden, on a different planet? In a last ditch effort to find a new job, I decided to explore the hidden market in hopes of a positive outcome via a non traditional route.

A couple months ago at my friend Mariya's place, I was introduced to Mariya’s friends Floyd & Didi. Mariya mentioned to Floyd that I was looking to change careers and we had a nice conversation about Floyd's contacts that I could utilize. Floyd recommended that I contact him on Linked-In and that I could access all his contacts. I was so excited about my new contact and the possibilities of this new contact’s contacts.

Well Floyd's first, hugely exaggerated contact turned out to be this insipid man called David Davyd (yeah, creative name) who seemed nice virtually through email contact, until my actual phone conversation. Keep in mind this was not supposed to be a job interview but merely a connection that could point me in the right direction.  It was supposed to be a friendly, casual phone conversation with the hopes of setting up a meeting. The interview (full on) turned into the interrogation from hell. This moron wanted every aspect of my life and back tracked all the way to high school, when I couldn't remember what I ate for dinner last night. I was extremely frustrated and disappointed with this contact. I had half the mind to tell him off, but I didn't.

The next day I sent a short, diplomatic email to Floyd saying his contact didn't pan out and thanked him for thinking of me. Imagine my surprise when I got scolded via email by Floyd about how I didn't handle David Davyd properly. (What? Oh no you didn’t!) I was thinking to myself.  I wasn’t going to send a long winded email to Floyd stating what an ass---- his contact was to me. Secondly I don't even know Floyd, so why was he scolding me under the guise of helping me? Suffice to say, that networking episode not only didn't pan out but succeeded in getting me riled up by two complete strangers! I'm not sure if Mariya was aware that her friend Floyd turned out to be useless (but I wasn't about to say anything). On a separate note, I did notice Floyd had changed his Linked-In picture, to try to appear less geeky than the last pic. News flash, it doesn’t work Floyd!

My next "networking" mission was through my Russian friend Karina. Every time, I would speak with Karina, she would ask me the same thing. "How is job search going?" "Are you on Linked-In? Connect with me so you can access my network". I did connect with her on Linked-In, only to discover that she kept avoiding “accepting me” as a contact for weeks. When I mentioned this to Karina, she shrugged it off as a “technical issue” and offered herself up as a reference instead.

A few weeks after that, I had an interview at a marketing agency downtown and had provided the company with my reference list which included Karina's name (a marketing and finance graduate) with her place of employment and contact number. Well the next day I got a call from the employer saying they were unable to check my second reference as the contact I provided was no longer with the company, and for this reason they decided to go with someone more reliable. Gee whiz, thanks Karina!

Feeling utterly embarrassed and livid at Karina for not giving me a heads up about this, I decided to send her an email instead of yelling at her over the phone and getting yelled back at by her in Russian (she reverts to her mother tongue when she's angry. (Not fair, as I don’t speak Russian).

Hi Karina,

Thank you so much for your offer for me to list you as a personal reference.  I can't thank you enough for willing to help me out like this. Someone with your skill set and education is exactly what I need on my reference list.

A couple of days ago, my potential employer tried to reach you at Global Source Marketing at the phone extension you had provided, and couldn't reach you but someone called Harold Baxter.  Harold apparently had no idea who you were and my potential employer was left puzzled. Apparently after a few enquiries, they were able to ascertain that you are no longer employed with Global Source Marketing and had apparently quit a few weeks ago and therefore were unable to verify my reference.

I know we haven't spoken in two weeks, but you could have given me a little indication about you planning on leaving the job you told me to list as a reference.  Well, I didn't get the job after all, I'm sure it had nothing to do with my references, so please don't feel bad.

Hope you're well. 

Love, MG.

I finally received a reply from Karina after a couple of days:

Oh, sorry sweetie, I changed jobs, I was going to tell you when I saw you. Don't worry, those people are  "ass----s", you can do better. Let's go out this weekend. Love, Karina xoxoxo

Anyway, chasing my contacts for their contacts or contacts of contacts had proven to be futile and a big waste of time for me. It turned an already frustrating situation into an even more exasperating one, by people in my inner and outer orbit wasting my time with futile goose chases, under the guise of helping me. I'm happy to say that since the networking debacle, I am now gainfully employed again :) It had nothing to do with networking. (Details to come later, &/or when I'm fed up with this position!)

Moody Girl Out.  

Moody Blues, New Shoes

I was having one of those days where nothing had gone right since I woke up. It was one hurdle after another today keeping me on my toes and stress levels high. The weather mimicked my melancholy mood with dark skies and rain (kind of like November weather). I thought perhaps a full moon was looming judging by the way technology and people were acting today. Basically stuff just wasn't going the way it was planned earlier in the week. Then I remembered that Mercury is in retrograde which explains why nothing is going forward and and everything is stalled.

It was just a weird day and a somewhat unpleasant one. I'm glad it's almost over. I woke up with such optimism and had hopes of hearing some much delayed good news, the kind of news that could propel me into fast forward at lightning speed. But alas, it didn't happen, in fact it was putting out non stop fires all day long. In the evening, I finally had to step outside in the rain to put out the inner fire and er, run end of the month errands as it is after all Leap Day and tomorrow is March. Strangely enough being in the rain helped, as if washing away the disappointment of the day. When I returned home, I was feeling calm.

I took a hot shower, washed my hair and blow dried it straight and sleek (frizzy hair makes me look angry). I  decided to change my mood by changing my clothes (something I've never done before), usually when I'm feeling like this, I just want to get into some comfy, cozy clothes for an anticipated carb high on the couch. But I talked myself out of this by looking in the mirror with my bright berry lips (I should wear this lipstick more often, my teeth look amazingly white).  I opened my closet and was so proud of the colour coordinated clothes neatly hanging in unison on the hangers, instead of the pile that had slid off the hangers onto the floor only to be hung in the wrong section and then forgotten about. I was reminded of how successful "Project Closet" was this past weekend. I was able to see so many familiar but new clothes, it was if my clothes were speaking to me, "Wear me". After picking out a sexy blue dress and trying it on, I was pleased that it fit (always a bonus). After going through the previously forgotten clothes of my new improved closet, my eyes drifted towards a shiny new shoe box with a pair of Nine West black suede ankle boots with a chunky high heel and a snazzy gold zipper, it looked and felt luxurious. I put on the boots and strutted around in my bedroom with some cool tunes and the next thing I knew I was feeling good :)

All of a sudden I was a mad yet fashionable scientist congratulating myself with this unexpected yet successful experiment that distracted me from my woes and most importantly the fridge. I mean I'm not in a carb coma on the couch, mindlessly changing channels and unable to move. (Although my new favourite show Revenge is on later tonight, I love Madeline Stowe).

As the endorphins were released while twirling around like a crazed whirling dervish, it occurred to me that one of my favourite singer's, Jose James is in town this Friday. This means that I have the perfect opportunity to wear my sexy ensemble for a little visual love from strangers, while I forget about all my troubles, as I groove to Jose's soulful voice at The Great Hall. Perfect! That's the plan! I better get The Complicator on alert to have his bat mobile ready for Friday night, as it's time to turn the moody blues into some moody grooving with my new shoes or rather boots (you know what I mean!)

Moody Girl Out.

Foolish Heart, Stop & Start

Flashback (Moody Girl Style)

It was February 2009 and the plan was to spend the entire day/evening with The Complicator on Valentine’s Day. I dressed up for the occasion and wore a lovely red ruffle chiffon top with a crushed velvet chocolate brown skirt, paired with my tall, sleek toffee leather boots. I had a great hair day, smooth with just enough body for that flirty look, with my killer red lipstick, gold accessories, dark glasses and my wool winter coat for this particularly cold but sunny day. The Complicator picked me up in his new Mercedes and we drove around the city. He said he wanted to surprise me and I was super excited, since surprises are so few and far between with him. My heart was filled with hope until we arrived at The Gladstone for The Erotic Arts and Crafts Fair.  I reluctantly got out of the car at The Complicator’s insistence (my heart sank), but I went along with it and tried to feign interest in the amateur arts & crafts created in the name of love or rather sex. I mean it would be a fun thing to do if it was your first year together on V Day or if you’re a hipster with a $20 budget for Valentine’s Day. The Complicator insisted on buying me my V Day presents from there, and I ended up with an extra, extra small lime green shirt (that was tight back then) with a red dragon on it and a pair of fuzzy red handcuffs (that broke as soon as we got to the car), oh wait there was a feather tickler too. I thought to myself, great surprise, what’s next or is this it?

After frequenting a few art galleries that had nothing to do with me on this particular occasion, I was wondering if the surprise was coming up. As the day turned into evening, I sadly realized that The Complicator failed to make dinner reservations on Valentine’s Day. I remember stopping at a few places and being told that the restaurant was completely booked, how embarrassing. The surprises kept on coming! If only The Complicator had put just a little thought into it! Anyway, my hunger pangs were increasing as we continued to drive around. When my hunger grumbles turned into loud growls and I couldn’t take it anymore, I told The Complicator that it be would be okay with me to go to a familiar place where we would be sure to get a seat. Our friend who owns Sambuca and (now) Valens had opened up a place in the village and I figured since we were close by, why not drop by to see the new space, Sambuca on Church. By the time we arrived at the restaurant, there was a massive line up outside and full to the max on the inside. Surprise! I was wrong! The Complicator started getting visibly agitated so I had no choice but to take control. I walked up to the front of the line and told the hostess to let Kandar, (the owner) know that The Complicator and I were here for dinner and would really appreciate a table. I was quite pleased with myself and was hoping for a nod of approval from The Complicator, instead I got scolded, “I can’t believe you just did that”. After a few minutes the hostess returned and showed us to our table. I walked in with my head up high and he looked utterly embarrassed.

Once we were comfortably seated, I looked around to see how other women were dressed, (since I looked marvellous), then it occurred to me that I was the only woman in the restaurant and instead was getting a few jealous looks from other men. Did I mention that Sambuca on Church is located in the gay village? Regardless, we had an unconventional Valentine’s Day. It’s kind of funny when I think about it now. Hey at least we had dinner and it was a fantastic dinner. I playfully said to The Complicator, “You didn’t wish me Happy Valentine’s Day”, and he quickly muttered it to me, over the blaring music at the restaurant. I thought to myself, “Yep, eat your heart out men, this fool is with me”. J

While we were driving around after dinner, I drifted into my own thoughts while listening to the enchanting sounds of Nicola Conte’s Rituals. I was thinking to myself is it too much to ask for the person you’re with to articulate how they feel about you even if it seems redundant. I wasn’t expecting a present from Tiffany & Co. or to be whisked away for a romantic weekend (although I would have been very impressed). All I really wanted was to hear some heartfelt words.  When I checked my phone, I saw that I had a voicemail message from Grant Bedford, our mutual friend (who just happens to be dreamy). Anyway, he had received the musical birthday card that I had sent him and was genuinely touched that I remembered his birthday. I had written a note in the card telling him that Thievery Corporation was playing later in the month and that he should also come. In the message to me, he confirmed that he would be there. At the end of the message, in his deep voice he said, “Oh, um by the way, Happy Valentine’s Day” and my heart melted and a gigantic grin took over my face, as I drifted further into my thoughts.

Later I found out that Grant Bedford didn’t even know who Thievery Corporation was, but came to the show anyway. Hmmm, interesting! (Grant Bedford and I went to the show together that night, but hey that’s another blog). By the way, I saved that particular voicemail message :) Sometimes it’s not always about who says Happy Valentine’s Day, but rather how it’s said that makes all the difference!

Moody Girl Out.

Happily Never After

When a super couple like Seal and Heidi Klum can't make it after seven years of marriage. What possible hope do the rest of us have in the real world? After all this was a seemingly "perfect" couple on the outside who seemed to have so much fun together and renewed their wedding vows every year. They seemed so in-sync with each other, with love oozing from their pores. They had it all, beauty, talent, multiple homes, an abundance of wealth, jet setting around the world with their celebrity friends and they shared a whole bunch of children. So if this couple is ending things, what chance do us mere mortals have at a really fulfilling relationship on planet earth?

It got me thinking of my own relationship with The Complicator, after being together for more than a decade, are we really together in the real sense of the word? He has his own house and I have my own place. We have separate lives and come together when we need to or rather when we want to. It got me thinking about what we really share. We don't share real estate, children or stuff, so do experiences and memories count? The reason I dubbed him The Complicator for my blogs is that he simply complicates things without realizing it or does he do this deliberately to keep me stranded in time, or stuck in a loop? Some would say that this is the ideal relationship for the 21st century, we have an advantage with our non fat relationship without the usual day to day drudgery that tends to bring some couples down after a long time. We have funny moments together and can act like silly kids when we're alone. Of course this is contrasted by my moody moments and The Complicator's short fuse. Our individual homes protect us from each other when we get on each other's nerves and serves as a safe haven when we need to be alone to recharge. This is my reality, it's far from perfect, maybe even flawed depending on the opinion but we're still together - separate but together.

My friend Jenny and her partner George have been together for over fifteen years, (she met him when she was very young). When you see them together, they seem completely different from one another. It has nothing to with their cultural backgrounds, Jenny is of Chinese descent and George is eastern European. Jenny has a lot of testosterone and is the opposite of feminine. She loves to dress in jeans, T-shirts, biker boots, (all the time) and doesn't believe in styling her hair and wearing make up. Jenny can be loud and abrasive at times and is a lot of fun to be around. She is fascinated with me and Thalia (we're all friends), she calls us "girly girls". George is quiet, serious and strong. He tends to get into long winded conversations with anyone who will listen. I've never seem him laugh at any jokes and he always looks slightly puzzled or slightly amused by the rest of us while secretly judging us. But for some reason these two stick it out together. They are clearly opposites and Jenny gets annoyed by George a lot, but there is love beneath the surface.

My friend Shabana and her husband Lou are not only odd people individually, but are even more peculiar as a couple. They rarely venture out together with other couples and tend to spend a lot of time together when Lou is in town (he travels a lot). I've known Shabana for a really long time and over the years, she's gone from cool to just fool, she's a self proclaimed nerd. I don't have much to say about her husband Lou as I've seen him a total of five times since they've been married (including their wedding). When I have seen Lou at their house, he gives off a possessive, controlling vibe, with a side order of repressed anger. Together they're just a weird couple who appear to live very different lives under the guise of marriage. Neither one really gets what the other one is about (or doesn't care). When Shabana isn't hiding under a rock, she ventures out sans Lou (when he's out of town). Being around them is extremely uncomfortable as their conversations are laced with sharp barbs at one another. Some how this strange couple are still together and I'm not sure about love but there is like between the two.

Thalia and her husband Jared...actually if I analyze their marriage in print Thalia will kill me... Love comes in all forms and shapes, it's not perfect like it's made out to be by magazines about celebrities or famous people. No-one really knows what goes on behind closed doors. Love doesn't always meet our expectations and can often be filled with disappointment. However, every time I hear one of my favourite singers Jose James croon effortlessly in the sublimely romantic song Love (like right now), it fills my heart with hope and what else L.O.V.E. :)

Moody Girl Out.

The Flu Fighters

Well January started off with a bang in terms of renewed hope, energy and optimism for the upcoming year. Then out of the blue, the cold/flu took everyone in my path down including me. Yeah, the flu shot, supplements, lots of sleep and a healthy diet didn't help. Even my one workout of the month didn't prevent me from getting sick. I was feeling unusually upbeat for the month of January, that even the dull, grey skies  and the frigid temperatures couldn't hinder my spirit. Well that was short lived...

A couple of weeks ago after feeling great at the end of the week, I woke up one Saturday morning with a tickle in my throat, I did everything I could to stop this from becoming more than a tickle, but deep down I knew it was going to take me down eventually. Later that evening I had dinner plans to celebrate my best gal pal Lily's birthday and had been looking forward to it all week. We both dressed up and had a fantastic dinner at Sambuca (my other favourite restaurant). For a few hours, I was able to trick my brain into believing that the tickle in my throat wasn't there.

By Monday I was down, I had all the artillery needed to combat this virus, chicken soup, kleenex, pajamas, my fluffy robe, water, flat ginger ale and Ibuprofen. I was thinking so much for my dynamic January plans. I had to cancel all my plans for later in the week, dinner with my friend Isabella - turns out she was sick and so were her kids. Had to cancel with my friend Mariya - she was sick too. My sister Thalia and her husband Jared were sick and were both working from home. So not only were they fighting a virus but eventually with each other over trivial things, Thalia felt compelled to text me a play by play:

Text message 1 -  "So sick, weak and tired, but am working on the computer".
Text message 2 - "Coughing and sneezing for hours, need bread, so sick but have so much work to do".
Text message 3 - "Jared left all the mugs on the coffee table and made a mess in the kitchen :( ".
Text message 4 - "So tired, don't have the energy to make tea, but have so much work to do. You'd think just once Jared would baby me a bit, need TLC".

These types of texts continued for about a week, my text response was the same every time, "Aww too bad honey, hope you feel better soon. I'm sick too, look and feel like hell."

During the middle of the week, The Complicator brought me some cold medicine at my request that came complete with an unsolicited pep talk at the most inopportune time about how I was being a "little puppy" and that I was actually fine. The Complicator said, "Why are your eyes red?" I replied, "Er, because I'm sick, hence the request for the cold meds". I was then told to toughen up. He then started nattering about how I should wear a plastic garbage bag and start running on the treadmill. I may have been on drugs but he was clearly delusional. Some how he seemed to magically ignore the sneezing, the coughing and me sprawled out on the couch in a drug induced coma. No TLC, just tough love is what I got, I couldn't wait for him to leave so that I could rest without the extra chatter.

My mum was calling me every hour on the hour to make sure I wasn't dead, which was comforting and  annoying at the same time. When I would reluctantly answer the phone, I could hear my dad yelling in the background, "Why didn't she get the flu shot, I told her to get the flu shot". I softly whispered, "Mum, can you tell Dad I did get the flu shot".

Just as I got my mum off the phone (again), I mistakenly answered the phone thinking it was my mum calling back and it turned out to be my friend Professor Langley Tate (who has a nauseatingly soft spot for me). I had been avoiding his calls for a few weeks, and was texting him knowing full well he doesn't know how to text. Professor Langley Tate and I used to work together eons ago (before he was a professor) and have been friends ever since. He seems to be fascinated with everything I do, say, write, read and I'm the portal for his otherwise safe existence. I can make him laugh easily about anything and everything, sometimes even cheekily poking fun at his "academic comments" which he is clearly oblivious to. He is a nice person, but sometimes gets on my nerves.

This was a bit of our conversation:

Professor Langley Tate: "What's been going on, tell me everything".

Me: "Well, as you can probably tell I'm sick, (cough, cough, sneeze, sneeze, cough)".

Professor Langley Tate: "Well you just need a dose of Dr. Tate's chicken soup. I'll just have to stop by with some".

Me: "No thanks, I already made some and The Complicator has been checking in on me".

Professor Langley Tate: "Wow, you make your own chicken soup too? I would love to try your chicken soup sometime".

Me (Perturbed): "I don't crave chicken soup on a regular basis Langley, I only make it for myself when I'm sick, the only other person I make chicken soup for is Thalia".

Professor Langley Tate: "I was really hoping to see you over the holidays".

Me (Annoyed): "Langley, I barely had time to come up for air with all the family get togethers, I'll see you in the spring, I have to catch up with some of my other friends first".

When I finally got Professor Langley Tate off the phone, I put my phone on silent, took my cold medicine, applied Vicks on my throat and chest (that's the best), used my menthol inhaler, took my Ibuprofen and tried to rest. I figured answering the phone was just counter productive to my recovery.

After a few days, once I was back to my cheerful moody self, I decided to weigh myself. If anything had come out of this awful week, it had to be weight loss right? Wrong! Apparently, I was a few pounds up. Drats! Perhaps a little too much bread with my chicken soup!

Moody Girl Out.

It's Not Me, It's You!

The end of the year is upon us my dear readers, and this blog is dedicated specifically to all the people in my life, who made it extra special this past year. I thought 2010 was tough, but 2011 kicked my butt. So here is some what of a love letter directed towards the nearest and dearest (there wasn't enough room for everyone). These select group of people continue to make my life what it is - the good, the bad, and the absurd. I have a nice glass of Apple Vodka, thanks to Thalia. So let it begin... as it's a good soul cleanse for me :)

The Complicator (My Special Someone)

Another year has passed and thank you for minimizing my birthday yet again, especially after the hellish year I had. Thank you for refusing to verbally acknowledge our time together and what our relationship means in the grand scheme of things, where we are going etc. Just once, I wish you you would take a soulful interest in me and actually ask me what I want instead of telling me what you think I need. Thank you also for giving me fry pans on my birthday when I was already feeling down, because nothing cheers a girl up like getting a pair of fry pans on her birthday! Thank you for making us a nice New Year's Eve dinner, and then quickly disappearing into the other room to check on Ebay (which you've been on since yesterday), because at the end of the year, what's really important, is that you close the bid on the seven hundredth pair of speakers that you don't need. Instead, I wish we were dancing to the beautiful, chilled out tunes playing in the background. Anyway, thank you for making brownies at my request. I love you but you drive me crazy.

My Darling Family (Sans Thalia)

Thank you for all your love and support (especially my mum) this past year. Thank you also for continuing to drive me bonkers, just when I think I can't take any more idiotic short term decisions that affect all of us long term. Thank you for the non stop guilt trips when I don't come through for you on every single request when I'm already drained mentally and physically. Thank you for filling up my year with your doctors appointments and singling me out of three siblings to drive you to every one of them in spite of my own schedule - work and social, because of course, that doesn't ever matter. Also thank you for calling on me at any time of the day and for looking at me as your own personal "Crisis Management Centre". Thank you for making a lovely birthday dinner in my honour and then proceeding to get into silly arguments and screaming matches with one another like George's family in Seinfeld. I love you all dearly, but please, give it a rest!

Karina (My Russian Friend)


Thank you for sucking up my time all year round about your minuscule problems that seem so big in your tiny head, any time you see me, regardless of the occasion - e.g. my graduation dinner, Mariya's birthday dinner, girls' night out etc. Thank you for making anything and everything about you, always. Thank you for monopolizing my time on the phone with your never ending slew of problems, "What should I do, blah, blah, blah?" Thank you for keeping "your close friends" out of the loop of every important decision you've ever made, such as buying a condo, going to Miami for the weekend without even a word to us for fear of "any bad luck". And of course pushing all your girlfriends aside the moment you're back with your on again, off again, who gives a s--t boyfriend, Flavio who is not French (like you keep introducing him), but actually Portuguese, and apparently appears to be from another century, with his narrow minded thoughts about women! Thank you for never bothering to check up on me, to see how I'm doing from time to time. But rest assured, when things falter between you and Flavio, I'll be here for you to listen (again) and coordinate another girls' night out, because that's what friends do.

Enough said (for now)...It's time to get this party started.
Happy New Year People!

Moody Girl Out.

Dreamers' Reality

Sometimes great expectations can turn into low expectations without even realizing it. Hopes and dreams can suddenly be justified as fantasy by naysayers. What's wrong with believing in a little magic from time to time. All it takes is one swift wave of the proverbial magic wand to change your perspective in a mundane world, to put you on the track to believing again. What a shame to lose that child like quality brought out around sentimental holidays, especially around Christmas, only to be unconsciously squashed by a realist. What would life be like without the dreamers of the world?

Recently there was a funny yet memorable episode on the comedy Modern Family about the dreamers versus the realists. The episode concluded with the adorable character of Cam saying, "Realists keep dreamers from soaring too close to the sun". "Without dreamers, realists would never get off the ground". I love that line, it's so true and has stayed with me since watching the episode.Yes, realists have their place in the world and keep the dreamers grounded. But what if some realists over time, in an effort to keep the dreamers in their life grounded, inadvertently push you underground making it hard to breathe let alone dream. How do the dreamers retain their child like magical quality then? Is it time for a vacation, a place to escape under the warm sun and rejuvenate. Or disappear to a local, favourite haunt where you can elude your troubles for one night with a strong drink and a change of ambiance to lift your spirits.

In a relationship, the ability to dream can be an important motivator, both together and separately, but when the dreaming dissolves on every level, it truly is sad. Sure you can go through the motions of day to day living, while secretly feeling numb inside. When there is nothing to look forward to in a relationship, then what? Or, are relationships about moments of happiness like everything else in life? After watching the most recent episode of Once Upon a Time, I wondered if my heart had been placed in a box like the Evil Queen/Regina did to prevent The Huntsman/Sheriff Graham from feeling anything and eventually crushed his heart in the present world, just as he felt something when he kissed Emma. It was a good episode, and I was (briefly) reminded of how much I miss my favourite show Lost so much. Watching the brilliant (and sometimes frustrating) Lost, allowed me to disappear into the different worlds of the characters and intersecting story lines, where characters were trying to escape their past, redo their lives, correct their past mistakes, get out of purgatory (so many themes etc). It makes you wonder, what if we are re-living our lives in a different world of some sort, where either we are trying to right a wrong done from another time/space or where we had the ability to alter our choices in a parallel world and carve a new destiny for ourselves like in the film Sliding Doors (I love that film). Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I had taken another path or could live two lives simultaneously until I could decide which one was best.

I know it's not too late to change my path in life, but I feel I need some additional inspiration, something magical like stardust, or a shining star to guide me through the dense fog of uncertainty. After all it's easier to live a life of the safe and familiar than the exciting and possibly rewarding prospect of the unknown. There's a great line in Fiona Apple's song called Sleep to Dream, "I got my feet on the ground and I don't sleep to dream." Ah, it seems that I'm the opposite, as I only sleep to dream!

Moody Girl Out.

Debt Becomes Her

With Xmas just around the corner, nothing gives me more displeasure than not being able to shop for family and friends but most of all myself. There's nothing like succumbing to the pressures of advertising and buying a sparkly gift for yourself that will put a smile on your face for years to come, er okay rather weeks to come. I buy something for someone else and then I buy something for myself that's how it's always been. This year has been a completely different story. With the cost of everything going up, up and away, I've had to tighten the purse strings for extra things like shopping :( Let's face it everything has gone up, condo fees, property taxes, regular taxes, gas, food - everything! Wages don't necessarily go up to reflect the current increase in everything which is really crappy. 

I'm the opposite of the expression "Good on Paper". I look great when you see me in person. I make an excellent first, second, third impression to infinity - always, that is until I have to go into a bank for a simple thing like an increase to my overdraft. You walk in all confident and they make you sit and wait in this little office, while they print out a long list of all your transactions and then ask you questions that they very well know the answers to, simply to make you feel bad when you're caught in a lie. Banker, "What is your current salary?"  Me, "I make er $75K a year".  Banker, "It says here that you made a monthly deposit of $700 last month". Then they show you the long list and you look at the "Banking Specialist" with a confused look and say, "That's not me, there must be some mistake". "Did I tell you that I'm the opposite of good on paper?"

So here's the crux of the situation. When you take two years off from the work place (because the company you worked for was suddenly sold), you tell yourself that the universe is telling you that now is the time to finally finish that damn degree, as that will help in securing an even better job. So you go full throttle with the task of completing a Liberal Arts degree you started in 2001 (part time), and are over the moon when you finally graduate in the spring of 2011. But wait, as it turns out this actually guarantees nothing in the market place apart from personal satisfaction. Apparently employers don't give a crap about whether you have transferable skills and an Arts degree to back it up with. So forget about finding your "dream job", it basically comes down to anything and everything that pays, because the bills don't take a hike just because you don't have the funds. So then when your uncle asks you why you didn't become a lawyer, you say, "Let's see, because it took 10 years to get my undergraduate degree on a part time basis, while I worked full time and paid for it on my own". In your head, you give yourself a window of "I'll make it big at 25", when that doesn't happen, you tell yourself 30, when that doesn't happen, then it's 35, well you get the gist. So now you convince yourself that a steady job with health benefits and a small monthly allowance for clothes, or entertainment or groceries will suffice.

People with money often say to people without money, "All you ever think about is money". A cold and detached statement made by rich people who are completely unaware of the struggles that ordinary mortals have to endure on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. It's true that most of us do live pay cheque to pay cheque to make ends meet. It's precisely for this reason that our credit cards & lines of credit have become our closest friend. During this blissful time, when everything is a haze, credit cards seem to understand us and are there for us. It's as if a spell has been cast to muddle the reality of what's actually happening, but we don't question it and blindly pay the crazy interest until we can't. When we need to feel better about ourselves, we buy a lipstick, a dress, a pair of shoes.  My Russian friend Karina always says, "I hate living alone". (it's only been a year). "After I'm done paying my mortgage and all my bills, I barely have anything left to eat". After a 5 minute pause, "Did you see my new Prada shoes?" Me, "I thought you just said...?". Karina, "I had to have them, it's an investment for $1,000, I got them on my credit line".

Sometimes, credit cards serve as a pseudo income during a time of need, loss of a job, a car emergency, a home emergency, or to compensate for the shortfall of bills for the month. Or sometimes, it's just simply to feel better about ourselves and to cheer ourselves up temporarily. For me, shopping is the ultimate high, I'm euphoric when I've had some good shopping & great deals, and then I crash... I never understood that when you don't need a credit card or an increase to the card, that's when it's automatically offered by the credit card companies and banks. And, when you desperately need an increase to get you through a crisis, the door is completely shut. How is this fair, that is the question? Money doesn't grow on trees, but money does make the world go round. 

Moody Girl Out.

The Girl With The Red Face

I'm a firm believer in good skin care, always have and always will be. I studied make-up artistry and esthetics eons ago, long before university, because I wanted to know as much about make up and skin care (mostly for myself) and for my sister Thalia, who has also benefited from my knowledge. Over the years I've kept up with updated information, new make-up, techniques, what's in vogue, and of course new skin care innovations, creams etc. I don't make it a habit of offering unsolicited advice as I don't want to appear as a big head, but when someone asks me something, I'm always happy to share my "secrets" (well not everything, but enough).

For the last two years my Russian friend Karina has been hounding me every chance we get together or talk on the phone for skin advice. "I look old, my pores are too large, what should I do?" "Why do you have such smooth skin, do you use Botox?" "Why do you look so much younger than me?" Anyway, you get the drift, for the record, I don't use Botox (not that there's anything wrong with that if that's your preference). Karina is younger than me, but looks older due to excessive sun exposure, like tanning on the beach for hours without sunscreen (bad), drinking too much Vodka (it's a Russian thing) and not eating enough fruits and vegetables (good diet is everything). It doesn't help that she doesn't drink enough water. Being the good friend that I am, in an effort to help I always email her articles on new products, the latest study on antioxidants (the best fruits and vegetables), the benefits of water. I told her that Botox, chemical & laser treatments should be kept as a possible last resort and that she was too young for that. In an effort to dissuade her from more radical skin treatments (trust me she doesn't need it), I even compiled a comprehensive list of best skin care products (based on my personal R&D), and healthy foods for Karina to include in her diet.

So last Saturday I attended my friend Mariya's dinner party to celebrate her belated birthday. It was an intimate event, some of her close friends (including me), Karina (her other close friend) and Mariya's young kids (didn't expect that). Imagine my surprise when I walked in and saw Karina looking absolutely horrific, no exaggeration. She looked like she was part of the dinner menu itself and had been placed in boiling hot water for an extended amount of time, taken out of the water, cooled down & dunked back in the boiling water, eventually taken out and then prodded for several hours. I couldn't help but wonder if lobster was on the menu. But you catch my drift. It turns out that the idiot decided to get a chemical peel and laser treatments a week before her 31st birthday (as she thinks she's over the hill). Well someone ought to roll her down the hill as it was hard to look at her, while simultaneously wanting to stare at her face at the same time. I was thinking to myself over dinner, "What the f---k did you do you to your face, you moron?" While trying to have pleasant conversation with Mariya and her friends and trying to pretend Karina wasn't there. Karina, oblivious to the overall reaction to her face, innocently asked, "Do you like my hair, I lightened it?" I looked around the dinner table to see if it was just me and it was confirmed by the other shocked faces that Karina was either clueless or in complete denial.

When Karina decided to suddenly bail after dinner due to a sudden suspicious headache, after receiving a mysterious text. Mariya pulled her aside and said, "What the hell have you done to your face? You look awful!" I wasn't going to say anything at the dinner party, but Mariya asking was perfect. Karina became extremely defensive. She looked my way and snarkily replied, "Creams don't work". I simply shook my head and replied, "No more skin care advice for you". What I should have said is, "Have you actually looked in the mirror?" My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by Mariya's six year old daughter tugging at her mother's dress and sweetly asking, "Mommy what happened to Aunty Karina's face?" Karina quickly gathered her stuff, waived goodbye and left.

I called Karina to wish her a Happy Birthday today and to also inquire about the dinner plans for tonight, and she made an excuse about not wanting to celebrate today, preferring to stay indoors (solo). Hallelujah! Yes please stay indoors, because truthfully, I don't want to be seen in public with her until her face looks normal again. Don't feel bad for Karina, I know her, she has an intimate dinner planned with her on again/off again lust interest, and that's the real reason she cancelled. I just hope she wears a veil!. At the end of our phone conversation Karina said, "My next chemical peel is in another few weeks and I know my skin will look amazing". While she was blathering on, I was wondering if I should give her a mask for her birthday present. My response to Karina, "No comment". Enough said!

Moody Girl Out.

Masquerade Charade

Is it me or has Halloween become a huge deal? There's no escaping it wherever you go. Halloween parties in the city took place from last Thursday right through the weekend. Earlier today there were celebrations taking place at all the restaurants, bars and even offices - during the day, during business hours! This evening all the cute little ones & (some big scary ones) will be embarking on a door to door journey in search of candy. Kids can dress up in their favourite super hero, monster or fairy costume in search of candy from strangers. They're not quite aware of their identity yet and can instantly become transformed (so they think) into their favourite character. At a masquerade party, you can become anyone you choose to, such as a famous character and have fun for a few hours pretending to be someone else. Sometime we need costumes to disguise who we truly are on the inside and other times we can can disguise ourselves with a good outfit and the right attitude!

I wore my own version of a costume earlier today, not so much for Halloween but rather an important job interview. After all it doesn't have to be Halloween to wear a mask, a metaphorical mask that is. I took out my best professional yet fashionable ensemble, shoes and accessories. I had a fantastic hair day, girls know that a good hair day is equated with a good day (most of the time). My make-up was flawless, subtle but polished. I looked the part of a sassy, sophisticated Assistant to the Publisher (that's a mouthful, but it sounds important). I was amazed at how a simple transformation on the outside could have such a positive effect on the inside. I look the part, therefore I am the part. Tres dramatique?

We wear different masks everyday to convey to the world a particular character. To a potential employer, a face of enthusiasm and confidence is equated with competence and potential new employee material, regardless of how you may be feeling on the inside. It had been a while since my last interview, so I have to admit I was feeling a bit defeated and rejected. Just getting an interview with this company today boosted my confidence immediately. I mean, they wanted to see me :) Now reality has already set in and I've changed into my regular uniform, the one that allows me to eat chips and salsa right after I had fish and chips kind of uniform. Just as I changed, so did my thoughts, the doubt started to creep in. What if they hated me? What if I failed their test (yes there was a test, can you believe it?) How am I going to get there for 9 am if I'm hired? (Too many late nights). Now I realize that things can go either way and I can be employed full time next week on my way to a new career path, and then shortly after start complaining about my idiot boss, the work load, the traffic, blah, blah, blah or be in exactly the same situation...Ground Hog Day. Regardless of the outcome, I know the mask I conveyed today was one of strength (at the time). Perhaps I need to wear this mask more often...hmmm? In the meantime, my dear ghouls, goblins and everything in between, I bid you adieu!

Moody Girl Out.

Dark Days, Sour Face

It seems like I'm always complaining about the weather, but really the weather has sucked lately. I'm sensitive to many things, extreme weather of course is never a good thing. I seem to be touchy to everything these days, such as, gloomy, cold days, (adds to the moodiness), bright sunny days, if it's too hot (I get tanned sitting by the window). Heavy rain (not good for my hair), humidity (even worse for my hair). Crazy windy weather (even worse than humidity for my hair). Well you get my drift. October hasn't been it's usual pleasant Indian summer weather, apart from a few random days of perfect weather it's generally been dark, rainy, cold, extremely depressing weather.  The howling winds outside my window seem to be echoing my inner screams.

The days are fading into each other and I have no concept of time and space, er, until I look at a calendar or a clock of course. Numbness consumes me, apart from the ringing sound in my head that seems to go off in the middle of the night and jolts me back to reality, plus there's the lunatic who lives above me that drives me crazy with his stomping around at 4 am. It's almost November and I still haven't found a new full time job :( Panic mode is in full effect upon the realization that time's up and there are no more life lines. My White Knight (from the previous blog) turned into Flight Knight! After weeks of chasing M to follow up with his contact at C_____C, my emails were evaded until last Saturday, when I received a polite email saying that his contact informed him that the position had been filled with someone internally, and for me to keep trying.  What the hell? I didn't even get to wear my best interview outfit as there was no interview. What kind of contact is that! Thanks a lot for your help Flight Knight! I know he tried his best, after all he is sleep deprived, working long hours, has a demanding wife and a brand new baby, but what about me? :0

I mean Halloween is around the corner, and after that the focus is on the holiday season. It's been a never ending parade of birthday celebrations this month, and will continue in November. It's not a good feeling when I can't even muster up enough energy (mental or physical) to socialize with my friends. I feel bad, because I don't want to be that person who bows out with a flimsy excuse like on Thalia's birthday dinner. (I won't mention any names, you know who you are - Shabana). Okay the real truth is that driving has become ridiculous in this city, you can't get anywhere in less than 1.5 hour and that's one way on a good day. So you throw in the bizarre weather patterns and accident prone drivers, and then you're forced to add on even more time to the commute, which is maddening! So you take 4+ hours out of your day (coming and going) for a couple of hours of dinner - please! Oh, let's not forget  where to eat, where to park, what to wear, who's gonna pay? What? Where? Wear? "Lions and tigers and bears oh my". Evidently, I'm The Scarecrow, Tin Man, The Lion and Dorothy all wrapped up in one.

No surprise, I'm feeling insular these days and rarely venture out unless I absolutely have to (groceries). I'm wearing the same thing over and over again because it's "comfortable" and provides a good disguise while I drown my sorrows in an overload of carbs and simultaneously avoid the scale. I still haven't brought out my fall/winter wardrobe out yet. I'm still stuck in summer mode mentally. I can't believe that it's the middle of October already! My life seems suspended in time (and funds), which is sort of ironic as time is flying by too quickly and the bills keep on coming. As one of my mum's favourite proverbs goes, "Time and tide waits for no one". Ain't that the damn truth!

Sour Face Moody Girl Out.

White Knight, Ray of Light

Tomorrow is Nuit Blanche in Toronto - an annual all night festival of art and multi-media. Traditionally huge crowds of people swarm the city and prowl the streets, some for the art and others just for the sake of being outdoors for no reason other than to be hooligans. Regardless, it is a celebrated event that everyone looks forward to, as it's a magical night in Toronto.

Being the last day of September, White Night or Nuit Blanche got me thinking of a different kind of White Knight, not the kind that fairy tales are made, but perhaps the most unexpected person that can possibly save the day. This friend is known as M, and is my sister Thalia's best friend, and is a wonderful, sweet soul. Since M has some contacts in the film and television world, he graciously forwarded my resume to one of his contacts at a premier television/production company in the city. He emailed me today with the reply his contact sent back, and there may be a possible opening for moi! Yippee! Dare I say, I almost feel hopeful. All I need is a break, where my resumes don't get lost in a flurry of email submissions and never get read, or worse the corporate websites where I apply and never hear anything back after spending upwards of an hour filling out their extensive questionnaire, uploading my resume and writing an essay.

Okay, I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but can't help but wonder if the universe was waiting for the right time, as everything in life is about timing (and contacts). Oh please, please M's contact at ___________ call me! All I need is an interview, I know I can win them over. My horoscope has been implying that an auspicious occasion is near and that I need to be patient.

This week, Thalia and I visited M and his wife at their home, as they have a brand new baby girl. When I met the cute baby girl, all my cynicism floated away. When I held her, she felt like a ball of love in my arms. It's been a while since I held a cute baby, and I like this one a lot. She represents hope and I couldn't help but feel that perhaps my metamorphosis is also taking place, slowly but surely. Then something unexpected happened after my visit, I actually allowed my thoughts to drift into baby territory. Thinking to myself about how great it would be to have a baby girl. What? Then I went grocery shopping tonight and was terrorized by screaming, screeching, ill mannered children everywhere. I was so annoyed by them! I couldn't wait to get back to my quiet condo. I digress, okay the baby moment is over, but M's baby was more of a symbolic awakening for me, possibilities, birth, renewal, new beginnings etc. (you get my drift).

Well it's Friday and another weekend is upon us along with the start of October tomorrow, and today my usual disappointment at the end of the week is replaced with a glimmer of hope. Perhaps the start of something new awaits me next month. It's been a rough couple of months and I could sure use some positive news right about now. I'm ready to celebrate what's about to come knocking at the door. Maybe? Hopefully!

In the meantime, I look forward to celebrating my sister Thalia's birthday tomorrow, with my ever constant White Knight(ess), when the sky is black and is illuminated by lights during Nuit Blanche . 

Moody Girl Out.