Dreamers' Reality

Sometimes great expectations can turn into low expectations without even realizing it. Hopes and dreams can suddenly be justified as fantasy by naysayers. What's wrong with believing in a little magic from time to time. All it takes is one swift wave of the proverbial magic wand to change your perspective in a mundane world, to put you on the track to believing again. What a shame to lose that child like quality brought out around sentimental holidays, especially around Christmas, only to be unconsciously squashed by a realist. What would life be like without the dreamers of the world?

Recently there was a funny yet memorable episode on the comedy Modern Family about the dreamers versus the realists. The episode concluded with the adorable character of Cam saying, "Realists keep dreamers from soaring too close to the sun". "Without dreamers, realists would never get off the ground". I love that line, it's so true and has stayed with me since watching the episode.Yes, realists have their place in the world and keep the dreamers grounded. But what if some realists over time, in an effort to keep the dreamers in their life grounded, inadvertently push you underground making it hard to breathe let alone dream. How do the dreamers retain their child like magical quality then? Is it time for a vacation, a place to escape under the warm sun and rejuvenate. Or disappear to a local, favourite haunt where you can elude your troubles for one night with a strong drink and a change of ambiance to lift your spirits.

In a relationship, the ability to dream can be an important motivator, both together and separately, but when the dreaming dissolves on every level, it truly is sad. Sure you can go through the motions of day to day living, while secretly feeling numb inside. When there is nothing to look forward to in a relationship, then what? Or, are relationships about moments of happiness like everything else in life? After watching the most recent episode of Once Upon a Time, I wondered if my heart had been placed in a box like the Evil Queen/Regina did to prevent The Huntsman/Sheriff Graham from feeling anything and eventually crushed his heart in the present world, just as he felt something when he kissed Emma. It was a good episode, and I was (briefly) reminded of how much I miss my favourite show Lost so much. Watching the brilliant (and sometimes frustrating) Lost, allowed me to disappear into the different worlds of the characters and intersecting story lines, where characters were trying to escape their past, redo their lives, correct their past mistakes, get out of purgatory (so many themes etc). It makes you wonder, what if we are re-living our lives in a different world of some sort, where either we are trying to right a wrong done from another time/space or where we had the ability to alter our choices in a parallel world and carve a new destiny for ourselves like in the film Sliding Doors (I love that film). Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I had taken another path or could live two lives simultaneously until I could decide which one was best.

I know it's not too late to change my path in life, but I feel I need some additional inspiration, something magical like stardust, or a shining star to guide me through the dense fog of uncertainty. After all it's easier to live a life of the safe and familiar than the exciting and possibly rewarding prospect of the unknown. There's a great line in Fiona Apple's song called Sleep to Dream, "I got my feet on the ground and I don't sleep to dream." Ah, it seems that I'm the opposite, as I only sleep to dream!

Moody Girl Out.

Debt Becomes Her

With Xmas just around the corner, nothing gives me more displeasure than not being able to shop for family and friends but most of all myself. There's nothing like succumbing to the pressures of advertising and buying a sparkly gift for yourself that will put a smile on your face for years to come, er okay rather weeks to come. I buy something for someone else and then I buy something for myself that's how it's always been. This year has been a completely different story. With the cost of everything going up, up and away, I've had to tighten the purse strings for extra things like shopping :( Let's face it everything has gone up, condo fees, property taxes, regular taxes, gas, food - everything! Wages don't necessarily go up to reflect the current increase in everything which is really crappy. 

I'm the opposite of the expression "Good on Paper". I look great when you see me in person. I make an excellent first, second, third impression to infinity - always, that is until I have to go into a bank for a simple thing like an increase to my overdraft. You walk in all confident and they make you sit and wait in this little office, while they print out a long list of all your transactions and then ask you questions that they very well know the answers to, simply to make you feel bad when you're caught in a lie. Banker, "What is your current salary?"  Me, "I make er $75K a year".  Banker, "It says here that you made a monthly deposit of $700 last month". Then they show you the long list and you look at the "Banking Specialist" with a confused look and say, "That's not me, there must be some mistake". "Did I tell you that I'm the opposite of good on paper?"

So here's the crux of the situation. When you take two years off from the work place (because the company you worked for was suddenly sold), you tell yourself that the universe is telling you that now is the time to finally finish that damn degree, as that will help in securing an even better job. So you go full throttle with the task of completing a Liberal Arts degree you started in 2001 (part time), and are over the moon when you finally graduate in the spring of 2011. But wait, as it turns out this actually guarantees nothing in the market place apart from personal satisfaction. Apparently employers don't give a crap about whether you have transferable skills and an Arts degree to back it up with. So forget about finding your "dream job", it basically comes down to anything and everything that pays, because the bills don't take a hike just because you don't have the funds. So then when your uncle asks you why you didn't become a lawyer, you say, "Let's see, because it took 10 years to get my undergraduate degree on a part time basis, while I worked full time and paid for it on my own". In your head, you give yourself a window of "I'll make it big at 25", when that doesn't happen, you tell yourself 30, when that doesn't happen, then it's 35, well you get the gist. So now you convince yourself that a steady job with health benefits and a small monthly allowance for clothes, or entertainment or groceries will suffice.

People with money often say to people without money, "All you ever think about is money". A cold and detached statement made by rich people who are completely unaware of the struggles that ordinary mortals have to endure on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. It's true that most of us do live pay cheque to pay cheque to make ends meet. It's precisely for this reason that our credit cards & lines of credit have become our closest friend. During this blissful time, when everything is a haze, credit cards seem to understand us and are there for us. It's as if a spell has been cast to muddle the reality of what's actually happening, but we don't question it and blindly pay the crazy interest until we can't. When we need to feel better about ourselves, we buy a lipstick, a dress, a pair of shoes.  My Russian friend Karina always says, "I hate living alone". (it's only been a year). "After I'm done paying my mortgage and all my bills, I barely have anything left to eat". After a 5 minute pause, "Did you see my new Prada shoes?" Me, "I thought you just said...?". Karina, "I had to have them, it's an investment for $1,000, I got them on my credit line".

Sometimes, credit cards serve as a pseudo income during a time of need, loss of a job, a car emergency, a home emergency, or to compensate for the shortfall of bills for the month. Or sometimes, it's just simply to feel better about ourselves and to cheer ourselves up temporarily. For me, shopping is the ultimate high, I'm euphoric when I've had some good shopping & great deals, and then I crash... I never understood that when you don't need a credit card or an increase to the card, that's when it's automatically offered by the credit card companies and banks. And, when you desperately need an increase to get you through a crisis, the door is completely shut. How is this fair, that is the question? Money doesn't grow on trees, but money does make the world go round. 

Moody Girl Out.

The Girl With The Red Face

I'm a firm believer in good skin care, always have and always will be. I studied make-up artistry and esthetics eons ago, long before university, because I wanted to know as much about make up and skin care (mostly for myself) and for my sister Thalia, who has also benefited from my knowledge. Over the years I've kept up with updated information, new make-up, techniques, what's in vogue, and of course new skin care innovations, creams etc. I don't make it a habit of offering unsolicited advice as I don't want to appear as a big head, but when someone asks me something, I'm always happy to share my "secrets" (well not everything, but enough).

For the last two years my Russian friend Karina has been hounding me every chance we get together or talk on the phone for skin advice. "I look old, my pores are too large, what should I do?" "Why do you have such smooth skin, do you use Botox?" "Why do you look so much younger than me?" Anyway, you get the drift, for the record, I don't use Botox (not that there's anything wrong with that if that's your preference). Karina is younger than me, but looks older due to excessive sun exposure, like tanning on the beach for hours without sunscreen (bad), drinking too much Vodka (it's a Russian thing) and not eating enough fruits and vegetables (good diet is everything). It doesn't help that she doesn't drink enough water. Being the good friend that I am, in an effort to help I always email her articles on new products, the latest study on antioxidants (the best fruits and vegetables), the benefits of water. I told her that Botox, chemical & laser treatments should be kept as a possible last resort and that she was too young for that. In an effort to dissuade her from more radical skin treatments (trust me she doesn't need it), I even compiled a comprehensive list of best skin care products (based on my personal R&D), and healthy foods for Karina to include in her diet.

So last Saturday I attended my friend Mariya's dinner party to celebrate her belated birthday. It was an intimate event, some of her close friends (including me), Karina (her other close friend) and Mariya's young kids (didn't expect that). Imagine my surprise when I walked in and saw Karina looking absolutely horrific, no exaggeration. She looked like she was part of the dinner menu itself and had been placed in boiling hot water for an extended amount of time, taken out of the water, cooled down & dunked back in the boiling water, eventually taken out and then prodded for several hours. I couldn't help but wonder if lobster was on the menu. But you catch my drift. It turns out that the idiot decided to get a chemical peel and laser treatments a week before her 31st birthday (as she thinks she's over the hill). Well someone ought to roll her down the hill as it was hard to look at her, while simultaneously wanting to stare at her face at the same time. I was thinking to myself over dinner, "What the f---k did you do you to your face, you moron?" While trying to have pleasant conversation with Mariya and her friends and trying to pretend Karina wasn't there. Karina, oblivious to the overall reaction to her face, innocently asked, "Do you like my hair, I lightened it?" I looked around the dinner table to see if it was just me and it was confirmed by the other shocked faces that Karina was either clueless or in complete denial.

When Karina decided to suddenly bail after dinner due to a sudden suspicious headache, after receiving a mysterious text. Mariya pulled her aside and said, "What the hell have you done to your face? You look awful!" I wasn't going to say anything at the dinner party, but Mariya asking was perfect. Karina became extremely defensive. She looked my way and snarkily replied, "Creams don't work". I simply shook my head and replied, "No more skin care advice for you". What I should have said is, "Have you actually looked in the mirror?" My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by Mariya's six year old daughter tugging at her mother's dress and sweetly asking, "Mommy what happened to Aunty Karina's face?" Karina quickly gathered her stuff, waived goodbye and left.

I called Karina to wish her a Happy Birthday today and to also inquire about the dinner plans for tonight, and she made an excuse about not wanting to celebrate today, preferring to stay indoors (solo). Hallelujah! Yes please stay indoors, because truthfully, I don't want to be seen in public with her until her face looks normal again. Don't feel bad for Karina, I know her, she has an intimate dinner planned with her on again/off again lust interest, and that's the real reason she cancelled. I just hope she wears a veil!. At the end of our phone conversation Karina said, "My next chemical peel is in another few weeks and I know my skin will look amazing". While she was blathering on, I was wondering if I should give her a mask for her birthday present. My response to Karina, "No comment". Enough said!

Moody Girl Out.

Masquerade Charade

Is it me or has Halloween become a huge deal? There's no escaping it wherever you go. Halloween parties in the city took place from last Thursday right through the weekend. Earlier today there were celebrations taking place at all the restaurants, bars and even offices - during the day, during business hours! This evening all the cute little ones & (some big scary ones) will be embarking on a door to door journey in search of candy. Kids can dress up in their favourite super hero, monster or fairy costume in search of candy from strangers. They're not quite aware of their identity yet and can instantly become transformed (so they think) into their favourite character. At a masquerade party, you can become anyone you choose to, such as a famous character and have fun for a few hours pretending to be someone else. Sometime we need costumes to disguise who we truly are on the inside and other times we can can disguise ourselves with a good outfit and the right attitude!

I wore my own version of a costume earlier today, not so much for Halloween but rather an important job interview. After all it doesn't have to be Halloween to wear a mask, a metaphorical mask that is. I took out my best professional yet fashionable ensemble, shoes and accessories. I had a fantastic hair day, girls know that a good hair day is equated with a good day (most of the time). My make-up was flawless, subtle but polished. I looked the part of a sassy, sophisticated Assistant to the Publisher (that's a mouthful, but it sounds important). I was amazed at how a simple transformation on the outside could have such a positive effect on the inside. I look the part, therefore I am the part. Tres dramatique?

We wear different masks everyday to convey to the world a particular character. To a potential employer, a face of enthusiasm and confidence is equated with competence and potential new employee material, regardless of how you may be feeling on the inside. It had been a while since my last interview, so I have to admit I was feeling a bit defeated and rejected. Just getting an interview with this company today boosted my confidence immediately. I mean, they wanted to see me :) Now reality has already set in and I've changed into my regular uniform, the one that allows me to eat chips and salsa right after I had fish and chips kind of uniform. Just as I changed, so did my thoughts, the doubt started to creep in. What if they hated me? What if I failed their test (yes there was a test, can you believe it?) How am I going to get there for 9 am if I'm hired? (Too many late nights). Now I realize that things can go either way and I can be employed full time next week on my way to a new career path, and then shortly after start complaining about my idiot boss, the work load, the traffic, blah, blah, blah or be in exactly the same situation...Ground Hog Day. Regardless of the outcome, I know the mask I conveyed today was one of strength (at the time). Perhaps I need to wear this mask more often...hmmm? In the meantime, my dear ghouls, goblins and everything in between, I bid you adieu!

Moody Girl Out.

Dark Days, Sour Face

It seems like I'm always complaining about the weather, but really the weather has sucked lately. I'm sensitive to many things, extreme weather of course is never a good thing. I seem to be touchy to everything these days, such as, gloomy, cold days, (adds to the moodiness), bright sunny days, if it's too hot (I get tanned sitting by the window). Heavy rain (not good for my hair), humidity (even worse for my hair). Crazy windy weather (even worse than humidity for my hair). Well you get my drift. October hasn't been it's usual pleasant Indian summer weather, apart from a few random days of perfect weather it's generally been dark, rainy, cold, extremely depressing weather.  The howling winds outside my window seem to be echoing my inner screams.

The days are fading into each other and I have no concept of time and space, er, until I look at a calendar or a clock of course. Numbness consumes me, apart from the ringing sound in my head that seems to go off in the middle of the night and jolts me back to reality, plus there's the lunatic who lives above me that drives me crazy with his stomping around at 4 am. It's almost November and I still haven't found a new full time job :( Panic mode is in full effect upon the realization that time's up and there are no more life lines. My White Knight (from the previous blog) turned into Flight Knight! After weeks of chasing M to follow up with his contact at C_____C, my emails were evaded until last Saturday, when I received a polite email saying that his contact informed him that the position had been filled with someone internally, and for me to keep trying.  What the hell? I didn't even get to wear my best interview outfit as there was no interview. What kind of contact is that! Thanks a lot for your help Flight Knight! I know he tried his best, after all he is sleep deprived, working long hours, has a demanding wife and a brand new baby, but what about me? :0

I mean Halloween is around the corner, and after that the focus is on the holiday season. It's been a never ending parade of birthday celebrations this month, and will continue in November. It's not a good feeling when I can't even muster up enough energy (mental or physical) to socialize with my friends. I feel bad, because I don't want to be that person who bows out with a flimsy excuse like on Thalia's birthday dinner. (I won't mention any names, you know who you are - Shabana). Okay the real truth is that driving has become ridiculous in this city, you can't get anywhere in less than 1.5 hour and that's one way on a good day. So you throw in the bizarre weather patterns and accident prone drivers, and then you're forced to add on even more time to the commute, which is maddening! So you take 4+ hours out of your day (coming and going) for a couple of hours of dinner - please! Oh, let's not forget  where to eat, where to park, what to wear, who's gonna pay? What? Where? Wear? "Lions and tigers and bears oh my". Evidently, I'm The Scarecrow, Tin Man, The Lion and Dorothy all wrapped up in one.

No surprise, I'm feeling insular these days and rarely venture out unless I absolutely have to (groceries). I'm wearing the same thing over and over again because it's "comfortable" and provides a good disguise while I drown my sorrows in an overload of carbs and simultaneously avoid the scale. I still haven't brought out my fall/winter wardrobe out yet. I'm still stuck in summer mode mentally. I can't believe that it's the middle of October already! My life seems suspended in time (and funds), which is sort of ironic as time is flying by too quickly and the bills keep on coming. As one of my mum's favourite proverbs goes, "Time and tide waits for no one". Ain't that the damn truth!

Sour Face Moody Girl Out.

White Knight, Ray of Light

Tomorrow is Nuit Blanche in Toronto - an annual all night festival of art and multi-media. Traditionally huge crowds of people swarm the city and prowl the streets, some for the art and others just for the sake of being outdoors for no reason other than to be hooligans. Regardless, it is a celebrated event that everyone looks forward to, as it's a magical night in Toronto.

Being the last day of September, White Night or Nuit Blanche got me thinking of a different kind of White Knight, not the kind that fairy tales are made, but perhaps the most unexpected person that can possibly save the day. This friend is known as M, and is my sister Thalia's best friend, and is a wonderful, sweet soul. Since M has some contacts in the film and television world, he graciously forwarded my resume to one of his contacts at a premier television/production company in the city. He emailed me today with the reply his contact sent back, and there may be a possible opening for moi! Yippee! Dare I say, I almost feel hopeful. All I need is a break, where my resumes don't get lost in a flurry of email submissions and never get read, or worse the corporate websites where I apply and never hear anything back after spending upwards of an hour filling out their extensive questionnaire, uploading my resume and writing an essay.

Okay, I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but can't help but wonder if the universe was waiting for the right time, as everything in life is about timing (and contacts). Oh please, please M's contact at ___________ call me! All I need is an interview, I know I can win them over. My horoscope has been implying that an auspicious occasion is near and that I need to be patient.

This week, Thalia and I visited M and his wife at their home, as they have a brand new baby girl. When I met the cute baby girl, all my cynicism floated away. When I held her, she felt like a ball of love in my arms. It's been a while since I held a cute baby, and I like this one a lot. She represents hope and I couldn't help but feel that perhaps my metamorphosis is also taking place, slowly but surely. Then something unexpected happened after my visit, I actually allowed my thoughts to drift into baby territory. Thinking to myself about how great it would be to have a baby girl. What? Then I went grocery shopping tonight and was terrorized by screaming, screeching, ill mannered children everywhere. I was so annoyed by them! I couldn't wait to get back to my quiet condo. I digress, okay the baby moment is over, but M's baby was more of a symbolic awakening for me, possibilities, birth, renewal, new beginnings etc. (you get my drift).

Well it's Friday and another weekend is upon us along with the start of October tomorrow, and today my usual disappointment at the end of the week is replaced with a glimmer of hope. Perhaps the start of something new awaits me next month. It's been a rough couple of months and I could sure use some positive news right about now. I'm ready to celebrate what's about to come knocking at the door. Maybe? Hopefully!

In the meantime, I look forward to celebrating my sister Thalia's birthday tomorrow, with my ever constant White Knight(ess), when the sky is black and is illuminated by lights during Nuit Blanche . 

Moody Girl Out.

Nosferatool

I was going to begin with a quip about how it's officially fall and the rainy, dull weather is fitting. But oh wait, some bozo decided to move the first day of fall to September 23rd instead? Like it's going to matter that it's technically still summer. Let's face it people, fall is here whether the calendar says it or not. You can feel the change in weather. The days are shorter, the sun makes a brief appearance and disappears and then the clouds part for the rain.

This kind of weather evokes something darker and melancholy in me, the little pep I had in the summer has long gone and the moodiness is in full force to compliment the dark days of fall. In my world, I'm more acutely aware of the Nosferatool(s) around me. These are the emotional vampires/dolts that pop up to drain me of what little energy I have left. I seem to be surrounded by them at every turn lately.

Just when I begin to channel a glimmer of hope and positivity to bring me out of my funk. A Nosferatool will appear or call me on my phone at the most inopportune time to blather on about their insignificant problems that I've heard a million times before. Now a Nosferatool is not looking for a solution to their most recent or past problem, they just want to vent, pause and repeat it all over again the next day. So in my moody haze I can take one of two approaches. 1) Listen and detach emotionally while giving a "uh huh" every few minutes while (in my head, plan something good to eat for dinner tomorrow night, usually a carb high). 2) Engage, and attempt to problem solve, only to get pulled into a heated conversation, until my blood pressure rises and my head explodes. Suffice to say Option 2 is not the optimal way of approaching things, in this case Option 1 serves my cause better when I'm already feeling physically and mentally depleted. A Nosferatool is merely looking to feed on emotional energy, they're not concerned about the after effects they have on you. It's all about them.

The clueless Nosferatool  may not necessarily express their understanding of your current situation that has left you feeling so defeated, or maybe after a long day when you want to hear some uplifting words, instead you hear, "Snap out of it, it could be a whole lot worse". Wow, thanks, I feel so much better now, and you think to yourself, why did I let you trick me into thinking that you might say something intelligent for once! This was just one big waste of time. Or if your job search is not going well a clueless Nosferatool may suggest that you try becoming a driving instructor or a postman and doesn't necessarily understand that you've spent a great part of your life completing a degree, that will hopefully jump start a possible second career of your dreams. A Nosferatool can often be out of synch with who you are and say hurtful things inadvertently in an effort to help you.

The self absorbed Nosferatool is the worst kind there is. This joker will pretend that they care about you and lull you into a false, hopeful state by pretending that spending a fun night together is just what you need. In actuality the self absorbed Nosferatool arrives in a bad mood because of something stupid like heavy traffic and then proceeds to vent irrationally about some nobody who cut them off an hour ago on the highway. Then, a fun night like going to the movies, becomes a dreaded horror of your own. An ironic contrast between seeing a funny light flick like say, Crazy Stupid Love, while the self absorbed Nosferatool is still reeling from the fact that you accidentally knocked over their popcorn, while trying to find the chocolate box you dropped. Yeah, a real fun night, we should do this again sometime!

Nosferatool(s) are are not ill intentioned people and there is no malice on their part. It is up to us to spot the signs of a Nosferatool, especially when low on energy reserves. It doesn't mean we don't love them or care for them, but we have to look out for ourselves too. It is up to us to protect ourselves and create a barrier between us and them. During these times seek out the Uplifter(s) - the warm, kind souls that understand you, and provide a source of light that makes you feel that anything and everything is possible no matter what. An Uplifter just may be the right antidote to a Nosferatool.

Moody Girl Out.